Loneliness:

...a very tricky thing. It appears to be an unassuming, simple word and one that can easily be misunderstood. From person to person, situation to situation and breath to breath its meaning can change and morph. In many instances it is merely a whisper in the expanse of the universe easily shushed. However for whatever reason big or small, these flecks turn into a blinding haze its strength forged in weakness. Its presence can lurk or consume with a mere flicker, its capacity ever changing. Its attack not always foreseen; its identity masked under many guises that can be bold or unassuming avoiding detection. Its tentative beginnings turn into vices stronger than the situation and imagination that created the bonds. It has the power to turn even the most crowded places into the most desolate hallows. Its skilled locksmith scurries to unlock the darkest corridors silently. While carefully constructed defenses are blasted apart with shattering force. Tunnels bore through your mind and soul, leaving it riddled with voids and scars. Paranoia, Doubt and Insecurity follow in the fiends wake exploiting weaknesses and joining the war. Structures that once stood so tall are reduced to feeble excuses which pour out through the cells within your skin until you bear your defects for everyone to see. And then once and for all you are rendered useless as you finally fall right into its engulfing clutches and are brought silently to your knees. Your journey to this end is so timeless yet rapid; the whirlwind leaving you with whiplash and the realization that:

     Along the way ...you lost yourself

Wasted Strength

No matter how strong you think you are or how happy you feel the constant twittering voices of those around you have the power to crumble all that you've built. The walls of your defences remain strong after each battering unitl finally you can't take anymore of the comments. They may not be life shattering in one blow but time after time it wears you down until one day you're gone and you don't recognise the place where you've found yourself you just get swept away. These are the people who are supposed to know you, understand you and respect you. They may be the family you were born with or the members you chose those but they ultimately are supposed to spread loves warm embrace but instead you can't help but endng up questioning yourself: Where did it all get so blurred? ... How did I get here?

Wish we were Younger...

Been a while in a thoughtful mood once again so here we go...
....I miss being a kid when things weren't serious the only decision was whether I wanted to draw with my crayons or play in the paddling pool or read Harry Potter before bed it didn't matter whose allegiance lied where people were just kind and nice because they could be there was no games or dragging others down maybe I was just blind, one thing is for sure I wish I was again.
Maybe I just lost seeing the magic in life like enjoying the little things like having my face painted or chasing bubbles round the garden and laughing at the stupidest, simple things or even for no reason. But then there were no black clouds over head in the form of a barrier beyond my control, (I know we control our lives so hang in there for the explanation) I felt free to do it then. Now there's always some reason (cowards excuse) whether it be I'm too busy or I'm on my own and then you get onto all the factors involving other things than yourself such as who what when why. The thing that bugs me the most? ... People. The people I used to know when I was younger were SO COOL they had imagination that let me run through the woods all day building bases, make Tarzan swings over rivers they wouldn't judge me for wanting to play football or take down bulldog or watching Thunderbirds or not wanting some space on my own and time I spent with other people were the best moments in my life and they wanted to be in my memories as much as I wanted to be there. It seems now those around use cannot help but judge everything, to laugh not because it's a joke but to take the mickey... Laughter can't even be trusted anymore?!? Some even go out of their way to hurt others and those that don’t still end up doing it as they don’t stop and think of others and the wounds that worded weapons can yield. I miss the days where caring was unconditional. You didn't have to ask or beg to be a friend or in someone else’s life you just got there by being you and the reward was you got to stay there I can safely say most of the "friends" I have known have had to leave or couldn't care less when you do.
I'm sure there is some good in humanity I just see less and less of it. People I seem to attract are blind, misguided, self-obsessed, and disrespectful. So any humans out there who feel sort of the same (I know were all different... I'm the first to say that’s a good thing) fancy another friend as I think this post proves I could do with a few more.
p.s I know the little things do count and a good dead doesn't go un-noticed by those who matter ... It just seems there’s a lot of less people in my world who matter. I thought friends where the family you chose but I think they have to choose you too to an extent…. Always was the last to be picked in P.E. (but in no way do I think P.E lessons are in any way analogous to life ... thank goodness)

The beginning ...

I don't really know where to start. I never have known and will probably never know. Although I have heard the beginning is a good place to start. But is there is really such a thing as a general bench mark to begin ones inconcievable quest or if to some extent its all just opinion and so truthfully and honestly does it really matter? And sure it may be a good place to start but is it really that interesting? I mean it's already been done...this is my story no one elses. Sure is the beginning is logical start but what if i don't want to be logical? What if i don't know- don't know what or why or because, what if i know nothing...well then how about starting from I don't know is that really so wrong? Does it really matter... that I don't know, should I truthfully be that bothered? Who knows if it is the journey or the destination that's important maybe, I should know the answer to at least that. But then maybe making a muddle of it all is what it may really be all about, maybe measures such as logic and the beginning become insignificant, thereby which the kind of chaos which follows is kind of liberating to truly admit that truthfully I know nothing. And I'm starting to think of it as a good thing rather than a bad thing and maybe ... just maybe that is my beginning.